When Growth Starts to Cost Too Much

Welcome to the Leader’s Lens: The Perspective Shift issue!

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Through the Lens: Who Are You Becoming While You Lead?

Every promotion, opportunity, or project asks a quiet question: Who will this make me become?

I was listening to an episode of The Resilient Mind podcast where Dry Creek Dwayne said,

While there’s plenty of content that talks about the impacts of failing, he was talking about what happens when success starts to erode who you are. When winning, achievements, and accolades pull you away from your core identity… convincing you that achievement equals worth.

I’m not saying that wanting to win or achieve more is wrong. But at some point, the pursuit of growth starts to take something from you.

I love to chase more: more impact, more income, more influence. That hunger started for me back in my athletic days and followed me into my corporate career.

I wanted the spotlight. I wanted to be in the “winner’s circle.”

And there was a time early in my career where these opportunities, access, and promotions continued to flow. The young-Ray couldn’t say no! My name, face, and reputation was entering into rooms before me and I was living into the influence I desired.

Until that influence got in the way of what truly mattered.

5 years into this journey, when our kids were 3 and a new born, I found myself overextended with balancing my 9-5, community work, and pursuing my MBA.

And one night, I remember pulling up to my driveway after another long day of holding it all together in the pursuit for more, realizing my kids had already gone to bed. I missed the opportunity to be with them, again.

I had to ask myself:

• What am I doing?

• Why does pursuing visibility outside the house matter more than being present in my house?

• Who am I trying to impress?

• Why do I feel lost within myself?

This is the hidden cost of leadership that no one talks about.

I learned that leaders don’t lose themselves from doing the wrong work, but from doing the right work with the wrong rhythm. And if this is the example I am giving, how does that impact those around me?

We all need to pause and assess our pace.

We all need to know when it’s grind season or rest season.

We all need to evaluate that while we want to win, we need to count the cost.

We all need to ask if the way we’re chasing success still aligns with who we are becoming.

Since that moment, a few changes were made:

1. The 2020 pandemic happened shortly after. The world was forced to stop and it was a forced season for me to reevaluate everything.

2. I began building intentional boundaries around work time, family time, and personal pursuits time

3. I opened the door to family and mentors that know me well to ask me the hard questions related to how my pursuits are impacting my identity.

Over time, I began to notice that rhythm, what lights me up, what drains me, and articulate what is important to me in this season of my life.

And right now, it’s being a present husband and father of 3 kids. I want to be available to pursue what they want to pursue. Then, in the margins, I can explore what lights me up: coaching, consulting, creating content.

But these changes also impacted the way I engaged my team. There has been a greater sense of intentionality in my presence. Even though I am not perfect with modeling the rhythm, it creates the space for us to discuss how we can practice it well.

Now we hold each other accountable, know what’s important for us during specific seasons, and can live into the work we are doing without burnout or loss of self.

You don’t have to abandon your ambition, you are just rebuilding your rhythm. You can let your purpose set your pace instead.

While we are in the 4th quarter of the year, looking into the holiday season and eventually the new year, it’s always important to pause and reflect on how you are becoming as a person.

Here are some guiding questions you can ponder on:

• What am I saying yes to that’s slowly reshaping me?

• Where am I negotiating my own boundaries or values?

• Who was I becoming when I liked myself most and what habits supported that?

Then make one small recalibration. A single “no.” A shorter workday to make it to family activities. A dinner without your phone.

Small acts of self-loyalty rebuild integrity faster than any retreat or training ever could.

Because your team doesn’t just need your output. They need your wholeness more than your hustle. They follow your energy more than your agenda.

When you stay connected to yourself, you give others permission to do the same.

If this message resonated, share it with one leader who might need permission to slow down this week.

We grow faster when we remind each other to stay whole.

– Ray

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